What’s it like being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety? You want to know? I can tell you if you want to know.
People treat my differently, like i’m more fragile and easily hurt. You think that’s good? I don’t think so. Being in my shoes, all I feel from people like that is more guilt and more responsibility. Why do I have to be like this and make everyone so worried/cautious/scared of me? Am I being a burden to all these people? Yeah, great, special attention, so what… I end up hating myself even more knowing I am the way I am.
Come to think of it, I always did want attention, I always seeked attention, sometimes making a fool of myself so that people notice me. Like the village idiot when I think of it now, all those stupid things I did for momentary attention. You want to know the ironic thing about all this? I fear attention. Having people looking at me, commenting, talking, laughing, smiling, snickering, pointing… it gets on my nerves. But there is one attention that is unlike any other, one that I have felt only once in my entire life, one that I keep reminiscing of when I fear I have no one. It wasn’t something that lasted, neither was it something that was very important to me, but for those moments, I felt like the weight of world was lifted off my shoulders. Those who know me should know what I’m talking about and when it happened. Perhaps I am desperate, subconciously looking for that kind of attention again.
Okay, I just had a really bad game of DotA. Real bad. And I’m now boiling… Why you ask? I don’t know, things that happened, things people said, things I read, things I did. I have such a huge problem controlling my emotions… anger, frustration, sometimes even my joy. It hurts people, I’m not joking. I tend to hurt people when I get one of these massive mood swings. How do I fix it? I don’t know, I let it out every month at my psychiatrist. Or do I?
Now you’d think I sound like a dangerous person. I’m not surprised, because I myself think I am a danger to those around me and myself. Ask “pfft” over here, I’m sure she has experienced some of my bad days. Ask anyone I know for that matter, they’d answer the very same thing. I’m like a walking time bomb, or a kettle at boiling point. One little thing could set me off. I’m not even joking when I say that death has crossed my mind, more than once, as I lived on the 15th floor of my apartment building back in Melbourne. Now do you think I’m dangerous?
So yeah, that’s what it’s like, the surface of it anyway. My mind has more to it than I’m letting out. Peace out. And save your pity for someone else, I’ve had my fair share of pity the past years of my life ever since I gained conciousness.
And yes, I’m in a bad mood. Didn’t I already mention that?
The Party Animal always wears sunglasses during his vacation. He likes a good hotel, with a swimming pool and room service. A couple of drinks at night, maybe see a show, maybe roll the dice, that’s the way to spend the evening.
