afraid of the fox.

hate your parents to a certain extent?

i sort of do.
especially after yesterday i hate them more
in fact
all i want to do is avoid them
because of the fucken image that’s stuck in my head
all this was too fucken early at 7 fucken am

i fucken swear
i never felt this much disdain for them
its like sumtin has awakened

i blame myself for what i am
but i blame them for pushing me to this.
i blame myself for not telling them to back off earlier
but i blame them for thinking they’re fucken better than others and
for pushing shit down my throat

but its all good
i am what i am because of them and not to mention part of my own actions
but each course and actions i do or take
is either out of rebellion or out of contempt or just desperation.

like today
i turned 20 this yr
i told my mum i will be out with a very old friend
she knows them from fucken ages ago
but no
she had to accused me of something i didn’t do
its always has been that way
even if she doesn’t say it to my face
i always hear about it
becuase she is condescending
and then she makes all these judgement
and then go tells them to my dad
who is equally paranoid and possessive and fucken wat nots
and then i get into trouble.
how fucked up is that?

at 20
i’m expected to be able to do something like this
“i tell them i’m not coming home for dinner and don’t wait up”
i expect them to leave me to my own devices and i’ll know when to come back because i’m never late..
the lastest i’ll ever go is 1 am
but how often has that ever fucken happened?

exactly
and lemme say this
if i have to die on that particular time
i can’t escape it
its my luck
u cannot run from it

its like the lady who escaped the tsunami ordeal
in the end
1 week later
she died.

you cannot cheat death
it will catch up to you

when in rome,
do as the romans do”

believe you me
the reason for this saying to suddenly turn up
frightens the daylight out of me.

my old man thinks that one of the key pointers of scoring a job locally is
to have an email and that it ends with .co. ** < ---insert desired country - hk, sg, asia, nz, uk etc..

i almost blurted these very words
"no fucking wonder you're not getting any successful interviews"

yes
on one hand its cruel to say such a thing
but on the other hand
look who isn't making any sense?

who fucking hires sumbody based on their email address not ending wif the country they are currently living in?
ok say i exaggerate it overly but what fucken employer even list this in their hiring policy to hire you based on your email address?

WHO?
tellme WHO?

so fucking what if i have a .co.nz but the bottomline is
that my physicall adress isn't a postbox address
AND
its not a place that is overfuckingseas.
it is a local surburb address!!!

WHAT THE FUCK?

the point of sum1 putting an email addres is to fucken show ur employer you are sort of internet savvy
and getting on with the changing times and fucken left behind.

sometimes they wonder why i am pfft-ing in disbelief
who wouldnt?
if any employer tells me he hires me on one of the basis my email has a .co.nz
i'm going to fucking tell him to stuff it
because this is just bullshit.

btw
if you join that fucken company old man
they'll give you a email with their

company_name.co.nz

for fucks sake

its not the feeling of death and losing someone
because that person is forever gone physically
and nobody else can ever possess that person
if you look up to the skies
you will remember the good times
even if its hard
but all you have to do is look up and say something
they will hear you
wherever they are…
possibly not 6 feet under tho..
altho..that itself would be torture because you listen to the voice of the ppl you care for
and well
you can’t do anything bout it..
that is torture. but the ones up in the skies..well there will always be a sign.
so you see
reading neil gaiman’s comics has prepared me to look at Death as something not that negative.
a different view anyway but if its all the same, i like the Irish wake more.

one of the worst feeling in the world is
i believe
watching the person whom u like having a dam good time with another person
deep down they know how you feel but they chose to ignore it
and rub it all over your face by acting oblivious

anyway
tomolo i believe is my turn to suffer such a treatment
because i believe it will be a cure for me to berid of such feelings for that person
and it will also encourage me not to find that person anymore.
this is the only way i will learn something
when i have been burn

moving on.

i wonder
if i will be polite tomolo
or be sarcastic
that’s it
but don’t worry. my social manners mode will get the best of me.
i’ve improved throughout the years
this is because i’ve never went to anymore parties with my parents to ppl of my age group
and if i’ve learnt anything
its through books or shows.

man
like kimchi said
i am tofu
i have no strenght
violence is not in my body
(that’s y i’m always getting my ass pawn during training.)
so i will most likely shut down and be polite the whole night.

my only defence is my wits (which is nonexistence)
and my super low level sarcasm which is only intended for 1 person to hear
not to the unexpected guest i digress.

see
i am nothing without words
just and empty shell.
but they are the very essence that i do not cast faith on
when it is the only thing in time that i have to count on.

been ages since i updated eh
actually i don’t really know what to say
everything that needs to be say is already said on Xanga hahah
if u dun have the address
well
because its not open to public eyes anymore and those who have it
either don’t read any of the bullshit i write about my conceited self
or well
they just ignore whateva i say
which i think is a pretty good thing to be left to my own scheming devices
but we all know
the key to my quinessencial(?) being is that page and if they find it while i’m still alive
i’m tehcnically dead
who are they?
i don’t really know

ok why am i using all these fancy words that i probably don’t know the meaning to
i don’t know either
it just comes out
i suppose it feels right but maybe the words meaning doesn’t fit
but then those words were created by people who felt that something and decided to name that feel.

i feel hot. why not hot is cold and cold hot? and why not hot is toh?
rite
just a little inanities.

anyway that is not the point
the point i wanted to say was…long gone because i got sidetracked.

if you read my blog from the perspective of never having to know me.
and say you do know me but i’m writting under a pseudonym…
what would you think of me?

my aspiring DJ friend has just released his new track called Re-linked (Unlinked Rebirth) inconjunction for Unlinked.Net - “our online community” web revamption (yea man..they changed the look and its still WIP but show ur support k? ;p )

so go give DjLefa some encouragement by leaving comments here and also by signing up as a listener (you can sign up as artist if you wanna show off your budding talents XD ) and voting HOT for his songs.
if you think there’s room for improvement, please leave constructive criticism if you have any XD

*all rights reserved to ©LeFaVolution™ *

DJ Lefa’s song list
- Re-linked (unlinked rebirth)
- Cloud Numb
- Fly High
- Introlude

*all rights reserved to ©LeFaVolution™ *